Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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