i already hear my dad disowning me
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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