So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize