I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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