I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
