I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
