He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
