saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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