I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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