an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize