Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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