can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
