the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
