Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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