it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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