i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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