if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
