When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just want nice things and good sex
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
