Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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