If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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