i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
