I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
