when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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