new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
