Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
