So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
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