C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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