When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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