I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
