Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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