i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I had to cum in my sink.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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