Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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