I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
