I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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