Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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