This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
