My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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