im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
