he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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