There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
