found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
