i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
