Your face is a jimmy john
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
