I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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