You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
