Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
