My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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