I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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