maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
