When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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