Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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