I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
