just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
