the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
