MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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