Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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