Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
