No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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