Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
