I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
