I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
