Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
