I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
