alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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