Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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